Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice – The Script

Or, at least, how my colleague Phil thinks it should go…

 

SUPERMAN: (Calls out) “Father.”

JOR-EL: (Appearing from the mist) “My Son.”

SUPERMAN: “I am filled with a great sorrow. In my battle with Zod, many innocents were killed. How can I make amends for this?”

[Jor-el takes a small red bundle from a compartment in his armour ]

JOR-EL: “These are the trunks of penitence. You must wear them to cover your shame.”

SUPERMAN: “I shall wear them – always.”

[Jor-el begins to fade back into the mist.]

 SUPERMAN: “Oh, father.”

 [Jor-el fades back in, slightly annoyed.]

 JOR-EL: “Yes?”

 SUPERMAN: “I have encountered a human called Batman.”

 JOR-EL: “Dinner-dinner-dinner-dinner-dinner-dinner-dinner-dinner…”

 SUPERMAN: “Yes, That’s him. He’s really pissed off about the innocents… and the mess and everything. I don’t think the trunks will be enough to appease him.”

 [Jor-el takes a small rectangular object from another compartment in his armour; a plastic DVD case. He hands it to his son.]

 JOR-EL: “If he troubles you again, show him this so that he too will know the meaning of shame.”

 SUPERMAN: “But father, who is ‘Daredevil’?”

 JOR-EL: “Sorry son, got a flood to deal with.” (Dissolves into the mist).

 

Even money this is better than the finished article, especially if Man of Steel was anything to go by…

Advertisements

Parenting Challenges – Part the first.

Our son Will is nearly 9 months old, and has brought the first really major difficulty for me as a parent.

Sleepless nights? Pah. I start really waking up at 10pm.

Nappies? Easy!

Feeding? He takes after his parents. He likes his food.

No, the challenge involves walking…

Walking...

Someone likes walking…

Not the helping him learn to walk, that’s just back strain and general exhaustion. It’s the changes around the house that are challenging, especially… gulp… re-organising our DVD collection.

We have hundreds of DVDs, which I have taken great pains to organise, all in alphabetical order. In one small bookcase, we have TV shows, followed by children’s TV shows, with a special shelf for 30 Rock, Seinfeld, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and The X-Files.

In the large bookcase sit our feature films, again, alphebetised. Following those are the few music and stand-up comedy DVDs we own, and the blu-rays.

Becky’s (very sensible and logical) plan is to move the small bookcase upstairs, then clear the bottom rows of the large bookcase out, and use them for Will’s toys. I approve of this plan, mostly so that I can get to the windows again without tripping over various plastic coloured “things”. However, how do I do it?

I have three options;

  1. Choose only the DVDs that will be watched frequently. Box up all the rest. Downside; what happens when I decide I’d like to watch Children of Men or Adaptation again?
  2. Choose the DVDs that both of us enjoy. Box up all the rest. Downside; all my favourites will get boxed up. Bye bye Blade Runner (all 5 versions), adieu Alien, so long Star Wars and ciao, um, Batman.
  3. Choose only the DVDs with suitable BBFC ratings for Will, U and eventually PG. Box up all the rest. Downside; both of the above (with the exception of U rated Star Wars).

Of these options, I believe number 3 to be the most sensible, parental and practical solution. When we want to watch something that isn’t U or PG, we’ll dig it out of the currently-unspecified-storage-solution once Will’s in bed.

Which option would you go for?

Why shuffle?

I’m going to start this blog post with a confession.

*deep breath*

My name is Martin, and I am a music snob.

That’s right. I’m a complete snob when it comes to music. If there’s something I hear and I don’t like, I will not like it, no matter the well-reasoned arguments.

If there’s an artist that I don’t like, even if they release the modern day equivalent of “Kind Of Blue”, “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”, “Reckoning” and “OK Computer” combined, I still won’t like them.

Even if they pay me.

On the other hand, if an artist I do like releases something like “Around The Sun” or “Raditude”, I’ll forgive them and stay loyal, right up until the end.

Now that I’ve proved my snobbery, I can get to the point. All the titles above are known as “albums”; collections of between 10 – 20 tracks by an artist that can be, though not always, thematically linked.

Why then, “shuffle”?

Shuffle

The mark of the beast.

This seemingly innocuous symbol is everywhere. Look at the bottom left of iTunes, it’s there.

The idea of “shuffle” is to play your music collection in a random order, generated by whatever logarithm the programmers put in there to do so. It means that, with a suitable large collection of music, you can be listening to Blur’s “Song 2”, immediately followed by “The Sidewinder” by Lee Morgan, which is in turn followed by R.E.M.’s “Find the River” and the main theme from Star Wars.

At a social gathering (of which I have attended a number), this could be advantageous, certainly if, as with iTunes, you’re able to choose which tracks are ignored during the random skipping. Who needs a DJ carefully crafting an ebbing and flowing playlist, responding to the room, when you can have an arbitrarily selected running order produced by a piece of software? From your own music collection no less?

It’s on the personal players that this function annoys me, for two reasons.

1) If I want to listen to an album, I’ll listen to that album in the order the artist intended.

In the majority of album releases, the artist or band involved has gone through an often agonising process choosing the tracks to go on the album, discarding those that either don’t fit with the tone of the album, over-extend the running time, or haven’t worked quite as well as some of the other tracks. However, the result is a series of tunes, showcasing the artist / band at that moment, maybe telling a story through a multi-song narrative at the same time.

The album can then be released to the listening public, with the tracks in a artist / band-approved order where the listener can be taken on a continual musical journey. As the artist / band intended.

On the rare occasion where I’ve put an album on, and the shuffle function has been in play, I’ve found myself hitting the skip button to find the actual next track on the album, rather than the one that shuffle has thrown at me. It’s how I know the album, it’s how the artist / band wanted the album to be heard, and I’ll listen to it that way if it kills me.

2) Gaps.

On the last couple of mp3 players I’ve had, and on the one I have now in my phone, and in some of the software I use to listen to music, there are hardware / software issues that enforce a gap. between. each. track. (My current phone also includes a lovely “pop” noise between tracks, but therein lies a different story).

With a studio album, where songs stop and start, this can be a minor irritant. On studio albums where songs flow one into the other, it’s a nuisance. On live albums, it’s intolerable.

The only reason I can think of for having these gaps is to allow for the shuffle. The hardware / software seems to provides a gap to allow for time to find the next random track. There’s not much point to this if the next track to be played is the very next track on the album.

Obviously, this is conjecture, and, if you know better than I about the reasons behind this, feel free to either a) let me know, politely, that I’m wrong, or b) rant and rave about “this idiot that…” anywhere but in the comments below.

So, in conclusion, I hate shuffle. It takes away the pleasure of putting the effort into a playlist, it frustrates me when I can’t listen to the song I expect, and it seems to have even fouled up playing an album properly.

Don’t even get me started on the iPod Shuffle…

Why drive?

Like a large number of people, I have to drive to get to work. I live in Salford, and work in South Manchester, and any public transport route would involve a number of changes, and/or traveling into Central Manchester and out again, or on a really, really indirect bus route during rush hour.

So I drive.

A car, yesterday

Learning to drive was part of a deal with Becky. I learned to drive, she did her ABRSM Grade 5 Theory of Music exam. I’ve been driving for 8 years, she has yet to learn the bass clef. But that’s another story…

At times, I enjoy driving. When the traffic is clear, the sun is shining, and I have some good music in the CD player, it can be quite a pleasure.

Unfortunately, this a rare occasion.

Usually, I experience several things that, uh, drive me up the wall, including, but not limited to;

  • Audi / BMW / Mercedes / VW / Lexus drivers tailgating
  • Audi / BMW / Mercedes / VW / Lexus drivers with headlights on in broad daylight
  • Audi / BMW / Mercedes / VW / Lexus drivers changing lanes on the motorway without signalling
  • Audi / BMW / Mercedes / VW / Lexus drivers not signalling on roundabouts
  • Other drivers sat at 50mph in the middle lane of the motorway
  • Cyclists running red lights
  • Cyclists turning right immediately in front of me, without signalling
  • 4x4s

You get the idea.

When I see any of these things, the red mist descends. While I’m not one for confrontations, in the car, I become a screaming ball of rage. I assume that these reckless drivers have at least had the same driving lesson structure as I did, have looked at the same Highway Code as I did, and have the same basic devices (indicators, speedometer, lights that turn off…) as I do, but choose not to remember, adhere to or use them respectively.

I’m not bothered by being held up; I’m very rarely in such a hurry to get anywhere. I’m more concerned with the danger these drivers are putting themselves and others in.

Oh, and me.

So, if you’re an Audi / BMW / Mercedes / VW / Lexus driver, and you come across a navy blue Ford Focus on the road, like the one above, please bear this in mind. I’m only concerned for your welfare.